Every year, the citizens of America place their trust, hope, and praise into the hands of a small rodent. A filthy, undeserving rodent. A mastermind who simply calls himself Puxatony Phil. It’s a legend as old as time: a groundhog crawls out of his muddy pit, sees the shadow he casts, and immediately runs back to his burrow to cower in fear, leaving the rest of America to suffer the unbearable cold that will plague them for weeks. But what the trusting citizens of America don’t know – what Phil has been hiding from us all – is that Groundhog Day is a scam. And so is he.

America praises this groundhog as they would an all-knowing deity, leaving him gifts, and treating a rodent like a king. But Puxatony is no king. He can’t even fulfill his one life’s purpose: prediction. With this lying hog’s accuracy rate running at a steady 35% over these past 130 years, it’s safe to say Phil isn’t the smartest groundhog in the burrow. 

When faced head-on with Puxatony prejudice, many may argue that this is a harmless tradition. Those people, however, couldn’t be more wrong. Phil has tainted the once beautiful art of prognosis with his disgusting displays of power that he wields over the citizens of America with frightening precision. 

Not only is this absolute monstrosity of a holiday completely inaccurate, but it also fails at upholding tradition. With the original holiday going by the name of “Candlemas,” Puxatony fails to mention that the initial tradition didn’t include a groundhog at all. It didn’t include an animal of any kind. The Christian holiday used candles to represent how long winter would be until the Germans adapted the use of candle prediction to a hedgehog oracle. Later, when German settlers moved to Pennsylvania, they swapped the hedgehog for a more plentiful animal: the groundhog. 

A similar but marginally superior holiday utilizes the same elements of an animal mascot and fun activity without the lies and impending sense of doom. It goes by the name of Easter. This holiday introduces an adorable rabbit to hides eggs for children, spreading joy everywhere he hops. This is not something Phil could ever relate to. The American population cowers in fear each year because of this disheveled rodent. We tremble at his feet as he casts down his judgment and declares our fate. There is no joy in Groundhog Day like there is in Easter. No adorable smiling animal to gently guide us into the new season with candy and treats. There is only loathing; cruel, uncaring, groundhog loathing.

So next time you think of this all too beloved holiday, remember this: Puxatony Phill does not care about us. He does not care about the adoring citizens of America. He cares about the unlimited mass of power which we have given him far too carelessly. Phil is not a hero or god. No, he is far worse than that. Puxatony Phil is a scam.